So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
