i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
