According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
