i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
