She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
