it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
