its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
