i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
