we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
