I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
