I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
