see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
