i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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