Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
