My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
