you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize