I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
