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i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize