can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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