You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
