Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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