Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
