I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
