I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
