apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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