Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
