I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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