Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
