No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
