I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
