Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
