If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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