WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
