It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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