Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
