that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize