Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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