hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
