he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
