life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
