walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She bit a glass in half.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
