when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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