If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
