What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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