Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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