I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize