i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
