I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
