i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I want to be your penis for a week.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
