Swine flu is the new snow day.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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