1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
