what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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