Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
