sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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