FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Omg I joined a choir last night...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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